This week I experienced my second miscarriage in less than five years. The first one was a "silent" miscarriage while this one was everything but that. It was loud, violent, and ripped through my body and soul.
I stayed in bed for three days. When you have a toddler, three days seems like an eternity. I thought about all the memories my child would no longer have with their new sibling. The names that could have been. How I had just rearranged the entire house to make room for our new family member. All these thoughts raced through my head keeping me up all night while sleeping the days away.
The thing about miscarriages is nobody ever talks about it. They preach safe sex and what happens if you don't but they don't mention how losing something you've wanted with all your heart could be gone in the blink of an eye. Or how you could resent your body for failing something that seems so simple. Nobody talks about what happens after you get pregnant or what could happen during pregnancy.
One in four women experience a miscarriage. One in ten pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's a numbers game but it still fucking hurts like hell when your number is drawn.
Sometimes bad shit happens. Be mad. Scream until the tears no longer stream down your face. Stay in bed until you regain the energy to face the world. But don't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault.
XOXO,
AY